Passion leads to paranoia...and negates pleasure

Lack of sleep fucks me up. And makes me girly. I'm so not playing this game anymore. I made myself too available, too open, and where has that got me? Back to mysterious bitch. 

The worst thing is all the second guessing and analysing. The point of this was to have a laugh and a bunch of guys I could call - on my terms.  I didn't want to get into anything resembling a relationship. I wanted the intimacy and closeness without the bollocks and bullshit. And I don't see why that's not an option.   What is so inherently wrong with having fun and not giving a crap whether he'll call? It's not like any of my exes have been keepers.... I hate this bullshit. I am tired and I need a day off. I may even turn my phone off. But then I suspect that somewhat tragically, I'll get upset when I turn it back on 

the celibacy was supposed to have erased my libido.  It's not about self-esteem through men. It's about the ease and casualness of rejection. I have always become close to boyfriends over extended periods of time. So that dating malarkey really is tough to navigate. 

 I'm bored of texting. I don't want so many messages a day; I want to be able to enjoy getting them. I want to be involved with more than 1. Unfortunately I suspect, do does everyone. Not so great for making me feel like an adored princess.  But when one date and I exchanged 1000+ texts in a week before meeting up, it was always going to get boring quickly.

I am now dialling down the pre-date communication. It only leads to disappointment. And destroys any mystery or excitement at wondering when we'll meet again.  It's too much. 

Sometimes I feel like its not worth being so honest especially in a country where it is not necessarily applauded. Or perhaps I should move to Scandinavia where being intelligent, honest, direct and straightforward is not seen as such a turn off. Today I feel like hibernating and becoming one of the lemmings again. The peg that stands high gets hammered down. Today I agree with that - and I'm tired of being the loudest honest voice.