Crimes against Bullshit

So, my 'father' has us all on edge with his demands for a 'talk' this weekend.  But first he is insisting on taking Mum out for a discussion - also known as 'let me tell you why you are a bad mother and cannot discipline our wayward teenage daughter'.  Great - except for the fact that as a 27year old, his attempts at disciplining me are even more pathetic and desperate than they were back then.  This morning Mum and I sat talking about what my imaginary crimes are, and what the punishment will be.  My highlighting that in 8 weeks (or less inshallah) I will not live here - and unsaid but known "I will no longer have very much to do with you" - seems to not be enough of a reason to just let the last bit of time I have remaining here be peaceful.  No, my leaving means there is even less chance of him being able to control me, and so he will get worse and worse until the day I leave - when he will cry, tell me he will miss me, and remind me to call often.  Duck fat.
So his dramas – in as much as I have learned to rise above them as much as humanly possible – have me thinking about domestic abuse, child neglect, gender violence, and all sorts of lovely patriarchal and male shit this morning.The US government considers child neglect to be the same as child abuse.  This was somewhat controversial.  Yet why is there so much fear around using the word ‘abuse’?  Does it reinforce the notion of ‘victims’, or force us to consider our own views on whether a woman or a child deserve it?  If a woman confides in having experienced something horrific, she SHOULD expect support and respect, not judgement and marginalisation.  It is well known that the relationship a child (boy or girl) has with their father impacts upon their development, their future relationships, and their sense of identity and self.  Examples of paternal child abuse(see below for sources):

•  Discount your thoughts, opinions and contributions?
• Perceive his wife/children as his personal property, to command as he wished?
• Disrespect family members
• Withhold affection?
• Treat your mother as less than an equal partner?
• Avoid participation in family /school functions?
• Usually put work and his own interests ahead of those of the family?
• Make promises, only to routinely disappoint?
• Was he aggressive or abusive toward family members?
• Need to be right / in control at all times?
• Rage?
• Were you ever “disowned” by your father for disappointing him?
• Shame you privately or in front of others?
• Was he there for his family and friends when they needed him?
• Embarrass you, humiliate you or ignore you?
• Ever abuse you - psychologically, verbally, physically or sexually?
• Blame his failures on others or make excuses for his bad behaviour?

As a child, Mum taught me to beat the bullies by not responding to their shit.  And to prove myself better than the naysayers.  Not exactly easy when my biggest critic, and enemy, is one of the 2 people who are supposed to love me unconditionally, and ironic considering his career.  But I have channelled my emotion, my frustration, my anger into something far better – achieving more, and being more, than he could ever hope to be.  And therein lies the crux of the issue – his own inadequacy and self-loathing.  He didn’t, and still doesn’t, do all of the above. 
I have known a lot of people who have either grown up in abusive situations, or been in abusive relationships themselves.  Tragically, one often then follows another.  This is not through years of working in women’s rights – this is personal.  For me, men fall into 2 categories – like my father, or not.  Those who I sense to have any similar characteristics are written off.  Those who aren’t, well…. I’m pretty hesitant around them too.  Sadly I found myself in a relationship with someone who turned out to be just like him.  I managed to escape and now have my self-esteem and self-respect back.  It’s not about physical violence – often, the intimation of violence and being intimidated and scared is enough.  The worst damage that can be inflicted is mental, psychological, in which he destroys her spark and her essence, and makes her believe she is worthless and unlovable.  And if that is the kind of ‘man’ he is, he will never change.  

Yet even writing this, I am nervous about publishing it.  Sure, I don’t use my own name or my own email on my blog, but still…. Who might see it?  But then WHY should I stay silent?  I have been silent long enough.  Even as a child, I learned that I can’t tell anyone what is going on at home.  Yet living in a terraced house – I’m sure the neighbours heard the screaming rows.  And my dear ex-boyfriend (who, now I recognise what he was doing to me, I no longer name but refer to as Dickhead) did his damnedest to destroy my friendships and relationships, making me as lonely and dependent on him as he was on me.  But I have learned to forgive myself for ‘allowing’ that to happen.   ‘Father’ tells me I cannot tell anyone about the night of horrific violence I endured at the hands of 2 strangers – but it is my right.  I am proud that I survived.  I pulled myself back together, became a better and stronger person, and rose from the ashes.  I AM a phoenix.  1 in 3 women experience domestic or sexual abuse.  So I know I am not alone.  I am sure I will be harshly judged for ‘coming out’.  But before judging me, take a look at yourself – and ask yourself WHY you are reacting like that. 
The only way things will improve is if people talk about it.  The silence needs to be broken - then the isolation ends.  To know that there are others out there who have experienced what you have, have felt alone too, is the only way to fight back against this raging injustice.  There are no trials for crimes against emotional abuse of your kids.  Sure, there are laws, but when do they really ever get invoked? There are trials for crimes against humanity - but did the international community ever put Saddam Hussein on the stand?  And there are laws against indecency – which can be argued to be defined as that which offends our moral code.  But sadly, as only 1000 out of 100,000 reported rape cases last year ended in a conviction, there is little chance of women’s rights improving any time soon.  We should get angry about the situation in India, and in Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Somalia – the 4 most dangerous places to be a woman.  But we should also be angry about what is happening in Britain – often in our own back gardens.  Divide and conquer is the standard approach to defeating ones enemies – but when we let petty bitching and female infighting divide us, we are essentially letting men get away with it.  But if we are taught from a young age that that is how it really is, that is all we deserve – then how the fuck can we hope to change things? 

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
http://outofthefog.net/Relationships/PaternalChildAbuse.html
http://refuge.org.uk/