Totes amaze

It’s all a question of attitude.  I was thinking to myself that I don’t recall ever feeling this on heat before.  Not constantly.  Of course it’s not at the same level all the time, but it’s there.  Which had me wondering what it was that’s changed in me…. And then it clicked.  I feel good.  Not mooning over a guy, in a crappy relationship, or generally down on myself.  I am totes amaze.  I don’t recall ever having felt this confident before.  I feel gorgeous, attractive, and sexy.  I want to lose a bit more weight but I am not hung up on it.  The male attention I am getting helps, but it is about more than hat, it is deeper than that.  I am sure of myself deep within; I know who I am and what I want.  And I am proactively seeking it.  I no longer care about what anyone else thinks.  I want to be a good person and wouldn’t seek to hurt anyone intentionally, but I am done seeking approval, whether from my peers, men, or my father.  Screw it.  That confidence, and certainty within self, is a bloody strong aphrodisiac. 

A different day, a different guy.  And if the last few weeks have been anything to go by, more than one in a day.  It’s not like I’m fucking them.  And even if I were, it’s my body, my life, my choice.  As much as picking one would be great, I’m actually enjoying this uncertainty and feeling desired.  I no longer care that I’m not meeting them ‘organically’ (apart from McShy), it’s just fun being chased.  I’m having some incredible conversations, learning about other cultures and experiences, and – most importantly – discovering a hell of a lot about myself.  But what’s incredible, is I have rediscovered good men in the world.  I had lost my faith, fuck me had it been eviscerated.  But a few of the male species have helped me to realise they aren’t ALL cunts.  Granted there are plenty that are, but it’s good to give some of them a chance.  And the ones I don’t like, I block.  Or highlight that my overprotective big brother is a burly cop, and the problem disappears.  And right now I can’t be bothered to analyse the fact that a woman shouldn’t have to hide behind a male, but right now, it’s a useful deterrent.  I can’t be bothered to miss any particular one, because there is a reason it doesn’t work out.  Whether that is incompatibility, irreconcilable expectations or shitty timing, for whatever reason, it’s not right so what’s the point in wasting my time missing it?  How am I doing myself any favours?  At this particular moment in time, I don’t have any crushing feeling in my chest for any man.  It near killed me when Armadillo told me that he didn’t feel the crushing for me any longer, but it’s his loss.  Or perhaps not….. Maybe he had a lucky escape too.  Maybe he was the final piece of the healing process.  I  don’t miss James Pond too much because I have given myself a verbal reprimand and pulled my virtual socks up – I can’t pine for a guy I don’t know that well who is away for another 5 and a half months!  If it were in reverse, I highly doubt he’d wait for me.  So screw the longing, I’m concentrating on me.  If it so happens that I’m single when he returns, there is a possible possibility of something, but what’s to say we’ll even be communicating then?

I really would love a passionate make-out session on the sofa with McShy though.  Due to parents and kids we’ve had to cancel 2 dates this week.  There’s also been 2 instances of me respectfully asserting myself in terms of what I expect regarding open communication, and us not getting pelvic until we’re more ‘together’.   Except I have no idea if and how that’s even possible given how little we have seen of each other of late.  So I broke my rule about not getting involved with a colleague – but as it didn’t happen until his final week at work I’m not chastising myself.  I actually miss it a bit, the chats, the giggles, the kissing in the stairwell…. But for the sake of both our careers it’s good he’s gone.  Though the sulky teen in me misses getting kisses every day.  It’s been 11 days and counting.  But…. He’s been pretty damn great when I have stated what I want.  So many people don’t know what they want, and/or are scared to vocalise, so apparently I’m a refreshing change in that I will say what I want.  Except when it comes to the kinky shit I want him to do to me.  I’m actually a little embarrassed by it, and can’t bring myself to write it.  Which for me is pretty huge!  But if I cannot say it, how can it become reality?  Or do I tell him when he’s drunk?!

For some reason my libido seems to be tied to my energy levels.  When I’ve had jack all sleep, and spent ages on trains, I cannot make my mind behave and the images get raunchier and kinkier.  Maybe it’s the motion of the trains…..? I seriously need to get laid.  And I have turned down 2 options for sex this week.  One of which was explicit, and the other was more an intimation (from McShy), but I knew would happen were we to give ourselves the option.  McCaribbean Army Officer actually tried to arrange a booty call.  Cheeky fucker! I told him I didn’t do fuck buddies or pre-arranged sex, and he seemed quite surprised.  Given that nothing happened on our first – and only – date except a good night hug, I’m really rather shocked at his gumption.  And he’s too short for me.  My time is precious – and I know what I want.  So today I cannot be bothered, and tomorrow I will get back on it.  If I feel like it.  If I don’t, I won’t.  Simples.  I can’t even be bothered to tell McShy he has competition.  Because he doesn’t really, and I hate game-playing.  I’m just enjoying seeing where it goes…. But I need to actually see him sometime soon, or I may just back off.  I’m being adult about it, but dear god – I need some physicality soon or I am going to implode! Roger is shite now, I need a real human attached to the end of the cock.  Right now, I want a week on a secluded beach with James Pond, 48 hours in a dungeon with McShy, and a few days in a snowy Swedish log cabin with as Mr Re-entry.  Which perhaps isn’t the best option, so I’ll simply call him J.  Though given his language skills, I may have to call him McLinguist.  Actually yes I like that.  McLinguist…..

I surmise that I could witter about men, women, relationships, sex and sociology for a long time.  And actually, having a record of my emotions has not only enabled me to look back at how far I have come, but to identify trends (more business jargon) and provided a great outlet for my under-utilised intellect.  After all, a girl can’t survive on Russian grammar alone.  And it’s turned out to be quite a fun hobby.  But I cant be arsed with men today, so I’m not bothering.  Trotzdem, punkt. 

I'm so confused

Men.  That area which I would love to nail down, and I suspect I have, and I foresee problems come August time. 

I haven’t heard from the Armadillo since my drunken ‘I miss you’ private FB message.  And he’s been prolific on FB about how great life is.  Perhaps true, perhaps exaggeration, but I feel an utter mug for not only going there with him but also believing him that we’d stay friends.  I get that he has a lot on, but friendship is supposed to be a 2-way thing and it’s not all about him doing the poor me while I just absorb it like a sponge.  I hate that I can see exactly where his ex was coming from, and I’m glad it’s over but at the same time it set me back financially and I’m a lot more wary re men now.  But I suppose I got my Xmas wish.... I’m trying to be positive about it.  I feel passively annoyed, but mostly sadness and disappointment.  I really thought he was the one.  But I guess that’s what you get for jumping into a black hole....

I haven’t seen McShy since Friday.  As it's now Wednesday, I'm getting a tad frustrated.  We spoke on the phone for a bit this weekend and text yesterday, but there’s something holding me back.  I don’t know if it’s the age difference or the fact he has kids (or the lunatic ex aka zookeeper), but I feel as though he can reach me, but I can’t get him.  He’s honest and open and emotionally insightful, as well as expressive, but I’m really scared that if I don’t sleep with him I’ll lose him.  Which is utterly crazy as I’ve talked to him about wanting to wait, and he’s really cool with it, and isn’t putting any pressure on me.  And keeps reiterating that he understands there’s no rush..... I suppose I’m feeling a bit blindsided by it, as it sort of came out of nowhere – we always got on, but then it’s changed, and he’s admitted being shocked by it changing between us, but that he wants to enjoy spending lots of time together.  And he offered to drive to mine on Saturday evening to see me (106 miles one-way) .....and I’ve said I’d like to have him over for dinner once I’ve moved.  Except..... I don’t want him to assume that it will happen as soon as we have a room to ourselves.  I need to relax, trust and take time.  But the truth is, I don’t trust myself to wait, as I crave him so badly (sorry if that sounds a bit vulgar) and I know that it is going to be explosive between us when it does happen.  I think it’s the Armadillo that is holding me back.  Who I am now, is that I don’t want to just sleep with anyone – I want it to mean something, but I’m scared of being emotionally and physically intimate with someone and getting hurt again.   Previous experience tells me that it’s the guys I can’t see a future with, that I end up in long-term relationships with.  So maybe not being able to see past a hedonistic sexsesh with McShy might mean he is the guy I should be with.   I guess I just don’t know if I’m manifesting bad things onto him because of my past (which is REALLY unfair on him) or if I get a vibe from him.  As I have always liked and trusted him, and he’s always looked out for me, never been a skeez.  And clearly I do trust him as the ideas that popped into my brain about him (wholly unsolicited, in fact I couldn’t push them away!) involve a lot of trust.  Except I’m way too embarrassed to tell him what they are! I don’t want to scare him off, especially while I’m unsure.  Really trying not to self-sabotage here........ And I love that when we kiss, time melts away and it just feels really good.  And our emails are slightly 50 shades of grey-esque – in the business tone but underlying message.  Which is corny but nice.....

Yesterday I was missing him like a motha******.  As in, I felt like I might grow claws from the tips of my fingers.  We were texting and saying how much we wanted to see each other.  I hate that we cant talk, or even kiss, every day.  It was great when we could have our illicit rendezvous and meet for 5 minutes then go back to what we were doing.  But at the same time, it’s really good he’s gone as we likely would have got caught, and I don’t believe in dating guys I work with.   But it did add a little bit of excitement to it all...... I really liked that when we went out, it was even better – there’s always the danger that it could just be an office attraction, so it’s great that that’s not the case. 

And ...................then I got an email from James Pond – my first since he went to Africa.  Now my libido has gone into hibernation and I keep wishing he’d walk into the room.  I so badly wish we could have had one last kiss and hug before he left.  It was sooooooooooo good to hear from him, and hear what he has been up to.  I really miss him.....he is sweet, kind, funny, gentle, unassuming..... with a lethal alpha coiled inside.  I can imagine us being physical, and it is very different to my imagination on McShy – far more emotional and connect-y (that’s my new word today).  Given that I’m trying to take it slowly with McShy, I can envisage us not being fully together by August – and then James Pond coming home.

I know I don’t have to choose yet, I should just enjoy and be young single and have fun, but I do want a relationship now, I left my ex 20 months ago and now I do want more.  I wouldn’t be putting myself through all this dating bollocks if I just wanted fun! I hate feeling so conflicted, I don’t want to let anyone down, but I feel almost like I’m cheating on myself, if that makes sense? I’m just not sure whether the whole retro-romance of James Pond being away is making me miss him even more, or if its that he is closer to my age.  But then at least I know McShy won’t push me for kids....... I’m so conflicted right now. It was so great to hear from James Pond, and how much I’m missing him surely shows there is something there.... Part of me thinks no 5.5 months is too long to wait (not that I’m counting) and sod it I’ll please myself, but then I don’t want to force myself into something with McShy when I’m wary.  But then what if he comes home and I end up falling in love with him when McShy and I are together?! I can’t do that to him!  What if what if what if..... McShy is a good man and I don’t want to hurt him, but the age difference feels huge.  It’s as though McShy being gone and my missing him at work is making me more cautious, yet surely I should be more cautious given James Pond being in Africa?!  I’m also acutely aware that he is not dissimilar to my childhood sweetheart, so I find myself wondering if I’m trying to replicate the past.  But I’m pretty confident that I’m not......

I’ve tried to test myself and imagine both of them walking in together – and I really cannot choose.  I wouldn’t want McShy to walk in as then EVERYONE would know, and I do not want that.  But then I think about James Pond walking in and I start to think about him clad only in a bowtie with a rose between his teeth and hands placed strategically......

As much as I have time to decide, to choose, get to know each of them, and let the chips fall where they may, I guess I just wish I knew which road to take.  I get that we never can know the future and all we can do is based on what we know now, but seriously – I can’t switch my feelings off!!!!

Missing, presumed lost - Orgasm

The problem with having great sex is that you miss it when it's gone. I've had some mind-blowing orgasms this year, and it's seriously impacting my ability to pleasure myself. Self-administered orgasms are now empty, shallow, pitifully inadequate, whimperingly feeble moments of stress release.

I keep waking up to find myself grinding my hips into the mattress. It's quite annoying. It started when the armadillo and I were getting together, and I was dreaming about him.  I'd never done it before, and found it both amusing and frustrating.  When he went away (for lack of a better euphemism) it stopped.  But it's started again, since McShy and I started hanging out and kissing. 

I was at work last week, listening to an incredibly inspiring and moving story. It really touched me and made me feel glad to work where I do. But.... As much as I was concentrating on that, I couldn't stop fantasies of McShy popping into my head. I guess it was because I was so tired that I couldn't control my thoughts. They were so vivid, so real, almost like fuckflashbacks - except I haven't seen him naked yet. And the things we were doing..... Oooooh. Seriously kinky bondage. In which he had full control and played my body like Hendrix. Stuff I have never done before. I've fantasised about it, but never like this.

I need to get laid. Really badly! But I'm holding back with McShy. Lack of opportunity is a hindrance, but also a blessing. I don't want to jump into bed with him too quickly and get hurt.  Been there, done that, don't have the energy to go through it again.  He understands, which is amazing. But I don't trust myself around him, and I know if there were opportunity I couldn't, wouldn't want to, stop.  When we kiss, time stops. I know that's a bollocks cliche, but it's how it feels. We pull apart and 5 minutes will have passed on the watch, but it doesn't seem like even 30 seconds.  I dont know what will happen between us. Right now I have absolutely no idea. I know I enjoy spending time with him. I know I miss him not being at the office anymore. I'm glad he's gone in a way, because it's heating up to the point of eruption.

I just want him, a locked hotel room, a tub of ice cream and an assortment of handcuffs and sex toys for 48 hours straight. That should satisfy my craving. If not, well I guess I'm screwed. But at least I'll have come properly.  Though that in itself may stoke my libido even higher....