Jetlag

My heart is a mess right now.  So completely jetlagged, as though it is on 5 different landmasses.
I had 4 dates lined up this weekend, and I cancelled them all.  Not postponed, cancelled.  I just dont see the point. 
The crappy date I had this week not only reminded me of how shite men can be, and how it is pants when it goes wrong, but just how good it can be.  
James Pond is in Africa now, and our last was a text from the airport.  Hardly a reason to wait 6 months to fall into his arms.... I've emailed him, but Im acutely aware that not only does he have limited access to internet, he also might not want to communicate (despite his adamancy that he does want to and will miss me).  He knows I am multi-dating and that I won't wait, but we agreed we would stay in touch unless I fell in love with someone else, which I would let him know about.  All very mature and great, but truth be told, emotionally will hurt like a bitch!  He was really cool..... Typical.  
MyShy is being McShite.  Ok, lets backtrack - thats not strictly true.  He's made it clear he likes me and wants to date, and I'm being cautious.  Except apparently I'm giving him mixed signals.  My saying lets not rush it is both what I want, and surely what a guy would like to hear? I don't want to ruin it and never speak again.  Which brings me onto..... Nessie.  I've not heard from the Armadillo in over a week.  I have no idea how we will get our friendship back - if its even at all possible.  I get the distinct impression he wants nothing to do with me.  The adult in me thinks give him time and space, but the woman in me misses him, misses what he came to mean, and feels somewhat abandoned.  
As for number 4.... I don't know.  I know I promised myself some man-free time, but cancelling dates doesn't mean I can switch my head or my heart off.  
I'm not even sure if my heart is befuddled by love or location.  I'm about to move, and I find myself wondering where I would rather be moving to.  Russia?  Sicily?  Africa?  Sweden?  Japan?  For the first time in however long I feel as though life has all these possibilities, all these exciting adventures in store, and yet I can't help but feel somewhat tied to the UK.  The original plan was to stick my job for another 6 months, aided by studying Intensive Swedish, then move out there, work for a year, and do my Masters.  The last part hasnt changed, but it was no longer tenable for me to stay in my role and I got a promotion.  Which sounds like 2 polar opposites but they are not.  My organisation know I'm good and work hard, committed to the organisation, and how pants my HoD is.  So..... I'm glad to be relocating as it were.  Except.... I'm really excited about my new role, and can see me doing it for a year.  I have a real opportunity to make a massive impact and create lasting change.  So.... when do I go to Sweden?  My regular trips over there to see the artist formerly known as my straight single friend haven't happened, and I'm loathed to pick up my life and that which I am creating here to move over there and be alone there.  Not yet, at least.  I will go when I do my Masters, if not before.  I'll re-evaluate in 12 months time.
As for my heart? I guess all I can do is just take my time, try not to do anything rash or unhealthy, and have fun with my friends.  Whatever will be will be I suppose...... It would just be nice to wake up in my lover's arms, to feel his warmth and heartbeat under my ear, and to feel loved, not feel unloveable.  

Not quite the most dedicated start to the year.....

I need to get back on track.  A somewhat tumultuous personal life in the last few weeks has resulted in me not only having abandoned my New Years Resolutions (which I am trying to re-establish again), but having not stuck to my 101 for the year.  Some one-off tasks have been accomplished, but the ones where I was trying to instill good habits and a more structured routine have not.... So, out comes the diary again and I am going to be stricter on myself.  I'm not spreading myself too thin, I know I can do it.  It's just a case of not coasting.  Oh - and I want to go back to Russia.  So let's make that happen this year Phoenix.  Maybe that will help with the Russian grammar struggles.....

1. Dance – at least weekly slacking
2.  Write and publish 1 article a week for 6 months slacking
3.  Publish 2 blog posts a week for 6 months slacking
4. Move into my own apartment.
5. Decorate my apartment in a style that is totally me, wholly reflective of my taste, and free of negative outside influence.
6.  Buy the perfect pair of cowboy boots.
7.  Get my first tattoo.
8.  Lose 7 kilos (from my current weight) slacking
9.  Go skinny dipping
10.  Go to the ballet - DONE 5th Jan
11. Trace my lineage back further and in more detail.
12.  Have a perfect London day – coffee, drink at a speakeasy, gordon’s underground wine bar, vintage shopping (furniture and clothes)
13.  Try pottery
14.   Emigrate from England.
15.  Improve my oral sex skills slacking - but not for lack of dating..... just the wrong ones!
16.  Learn to eat with chopsticks - DONE 12th Jan
17.  Spend a day with my brother doing what he wants, paid for by me.
18.  Nail Russian grammar slacking - see #15....
19.  Make out with an incredible person - DONE 4th Jan
20.  Visit a museum or gallery a fortnight for 6 months.
21.  Try BubbleTea - http://www.weekendnotes.com/bubble-tea-in-london/
22.  Climb Mount Etna.
23.  Visit Omi once a month slacking
24.  Go horseriding in a park
25.  Learn Swedish - STARTED 7th Jan.... slacking
26.  Have voluntary acupuncture.
27.  Finish my novel slacking
28.  Qualify as a masseuse.
29.  Take an Italian cooking class.
30.  Watch all 3 Lord of the Rings films - DONE 16th Jan
31.  Try 10 new positions from the Karma Sutra slacking.... see #15
32.  Perfect cardamom and vanilla custard muffins.
33.  Visit a country I have never been to before.
34.  Throw out twenty things and do not replace them - DONE 12th Jan
35.  Get involved with Pushkin House
36.  Visit my family in Germany.
37.  Drink 2 litres of water a day for 3 months slacking
38.  Take a burlesque class.
39.  Be able to better define my aesthetic, in both fashion and interior design
40.  Complete Equality and Diversity course - started 16th Feb...
41.  Visit a city I've never been before.
42.  Go to Yoga in the park once a fortnight for 6 months slacking
43.  Buy my first (bra-less!) dress from Vivienne of Holloway
44.  Re: #43, go bra-less in public
45.  Discover 10 great restaurants - 1 found so far - Crown at Nayland - Feb
46.  Teach mum to use Skype.
47.  Buy the perfect biker boots.
48.  Be naked in a Swedish sauna
49.  Read 20 new books slacking
50.  Attend a show at London Fashion Week
51.  Make perfect Kladkaka slacking
52.  See 24 so-called classic films
53.  Learn Arabic calligraphy
54.  Have a G-Spot orgasm
55.  Find a beauty and skincare regimen that works for me slacking
56.  Re: #56, stick to it every day for 3 months
57.  Make a blanket
58.  Learn to throw a punch
59.  Tone up my thighs slacking
60.  Go camping.
61.  Try an out-of-comfort-zone exercise class
62.  Трй анал секс 
63.  Go to a Proms performance
64.  Find and buy the perfect red Mary Janes - DONE!!! 24th Jan
65.  Cheerleader at Brighton Marathon for Mac.
66.  Go scuba diving.
67.  Buy a bicycle
68.  Re: #67, ride bicycle once a week (at least)
69.  Get a flat(ter) stomach
70.  Take a fashion drawing class
71.  Buy the perfect heels for my brother’s wedding.
72.  Knit something funky 
73.  Do something nice for the emergency services.
74.  Volunteer for a refugee charity.
75.  Watch a show at the Globe.
76.  Shop at Oxfam bookshop (near British Museum) once a month - STARTED 9th Jan
77.  Go ice skating
78.  Apply to write for another magazine - perhaps should amend this to successfully apply to write for a magazine, otherwise it's DONE
79.  Make a beautiful dress from scratch.
80.  Visit Highgate Cemetery
81.  Go to Waterstones Piccadilly once a month slacking
82.  Walk up Parliament Hill
83.  Take a surfing lesson.
84.  Find London’s best library
85.  Re: #84, visit the best library once a month
86.  Establish an editorial calendar for writing and blogging - DONE 12th Jan
87.  Go to the Royal Observatory in Greenwich.
88.  Find the perfect dress for my brother’s wedding
89.  Promote my cake blog
90.  Visit all 14 TimeOut London’s quirky museums and libraries
91.  Join a singing group.
92.  Re: #91, perform with singing group in public.
93.  Do 1 random London activity a month slacking
94.  Eat 5 portions of fruit and veg a day for 3 months.
95.  Take an A-Level
96.  Join a sports team and attend weekly for 3 months.
97.  Make love under the stars.
98.  Spend a day taking photos.
99.  Attend foreign culture festivals in London
100.  Make / restore a piece of furniture
101. Put £5 into savings for every goal accomplished slacking

Honesty - not so attractive for English men

I've not written much on here lately.  Stupid O2 have decided I need to verify my age - and pay for the privilege (because having a contract doesnt matter?!) Apparently this blog is an 'adult' site, and porn sites are not.  Interesting.  Especially given that my 'love life' has felt more teenage than anything else the last few weeks.  I use the quotation marks as there has been little in the way of love in there, just passion pressure paranoia and pleasure.  And a bit of frustration, irritation and time wasting.  And a LOT of trains... Anywho, suffice to say that my usual commuter ramblings are not being posted with quite such frequency.  Or perhaps its because it seems to change in the space of a day.... 

It's just occurred to me that I don't write about homosexual relationships.  This is not because I am against them, but because I have never been in one.  So I wouldn't presume to know what I'm talking about.  All I know is that all relationships, whether sexual, familial, platonic or other need to be based on respect and honesty. 

I think I am too honest for English men.  Or maybe most men in general.  My straight single male friend has told me about Swedish men, how a lot of them go for Asian girls as they are meeker and more subservient than 'ethnic Swedes', who demand equality and respect.  Or maybe its just men in general internationally..... what a world. 

But I am me, and I want to know that if they get me at my best, and deserve to have time and effort spent on them, I will be able to actually trust them and see something develop.  So yes I want to see them regularly, not just bloody text, and I want to see if there is momentum to it.  Or I'll bin it.  But unfortunately, the story seems to be boy chases girl, wary girl starts to open up, guy makes the moves and puts the effort in, girl starts to fall, guy gets what he wants and loses interest.  Sounds somewhat calculating and arbitrary, but there is some truth in it.  Look at Scream and 'the rules' - "you gave it up, you're no longer a virgin, now you gotta die, those are the rules".  Switch 'die' for 'get dumped' and you get the idea. 
But why is the onus ALWAYS on women?! It's so fucking unfair.  How about guys get taught, yes lads women have desires and hormones too, yes they do need to feel respected, and if you go to bed with her you do need to call her the next day.  Or yes she will think you're a cunt.  And yes some of them WILL tell you that rather than waiting around looking at her phone with bloodshot eyes.

Maybe it's not always planned.  But let's stop pretending the world is equal, and men respect women.  Maybe the odd one does, but they are bloody hard to find.  I think about me, and try to tweak my behaviour.  Not change for a guy, but consider if I'm making mistakes, eg making out with them too soon.  But I am a passionate person, and I refuse to have to repress any aspect of my personality.  And why pretend to be something I'm not, when they will discover my true nature down the line anyway, and end it for me being a fake?  I don't do fake. I detest liars, dishonesty, falsity and shallowness. 

So I guess it's back on the merrygoround for me, and we'll see if any of the next batch turn out alright....

Men are like buses....

Large, slightly cumbersome, difficult to drive, and sometimes smell funny.  Oh and they can leave you struggling to hold on to the last of your inner zen.
But mostly, they come along simultaneously, leaving you with tough decisions to make.  You can be on one bus route, then the bus breaks down, you have to await a replacement, and then 2 or more rock up.  Like unassuming partners in crime.
To protct my heart, and to have a laugh, I'm doing multi-dating.  
Yet again, they have both text me in the space of a minute.  After waiting to hear from them all day, then deciding I am done with waiting and on to the next, I hear from them.  Not really what I'd hope for, more matey type messages - but as I was writing my (draft) theory on the male orgasm and longevity of intimacy, then my phone goes off, I have decided to tweak the piece somewhat. 

The Cosmos is confusing me right now.  So I'm going to take my friends' advice and accept that I need to be more demanding and make them chase me.  I want to have fun, enjoy myself and to let myself be wooed.  The fact I still cant decide – well actually the fact I’m thinking ‘bugger being played for a bunch of bananas’ – means I need more time before settling down to monogamy.  Because as my friend pointed out – once you’ve chosen one, you have to stop dating.  And thus far, 2013’s ones have turned out to be, well, better than the previous ones.  I guess it just means I have to go back to being prudish – and buy a super-size pack of Duracell.