Jetlag

My heart is a mess right now.  So completely jetlagged, as though it is on 5 different landmasses.
I had 4 dates lined up this weekend, and I cancelled them all.  Not postponed, cancelled.  I just dont see the point. 
The crappy date I had this week not only reminded me of how shite men can be, and how it is pants when it goes wrong, but just how good it can be.  
James Pond is in Africa now, and our last was a text from the airport.  Hardly a reason to wait 6 months to fall into his arms.... I've emailed him, but Im acutely aware that not only does he have limited access to internet, he also might not want to communicate (despite his adamancy that he does want to and will miss me).  He knows I am multi-dating and that I won't wait, but we agreed we would stay in touch unless I fell in love with someone else, which I would let him know about.  All very mature and great, but truth be told, emotionally will hurt like a bitch!  He was really cool..... Typical.  
MyShy is being McShite.  Ok, lets backtrack - thats not strictly true.  He's made it clear he likes me and wants to date, and I'm being cautious.  Except apparently I'm giving him mixed signals.  My saying lets not rush it is both what I want, and surely what a guy would like to hear? I don't want to ruin it and never speak again.  Which brings me onto..... Nessie.  I've not heard from the Armadillo in over a week.  I have no idea how we will get our friendship back - if its even at all possible.  I get the distinct impression he wants nothing to do with me.  The adult in me thinks give him time and space, but the woman in me misses him, misses what he came to mean, and feels somewhat abandoned.  
As for number 4.... I don't know.  I know I promised myself some man-free time, but cancelling dates doesn't mean I can switch my head or my heart off.  
I'm not even sure if my heart is befuddled by love or location.  I'm about to move, and I find myself wondering where I would rather be moving to.  Russia?  Sicily?  Africa?  Sweden?  Japan?  For the first time in however long I feel as though life has all these possibilities, all these exciting adventures in store, and yet I can't help but feel somewhat tied to the UK.  The original plan was to stick my job for another 6 months, aided by studying Intensive Swedish, then move out there, work for a year, and do my Masters.  The last part hasnt changed, but it was no longer tenable for me to stay in my role and I got a promotion.  Which sounds like 2 polar opposites but they are not.  My organisation know I'm good and work hard, committed to the organisation, and how pants my HoD is.  So..... I'm glad to be relocating as it were.  Except.... I'm really excited about my new role, and can see me doing it for a year.  I have a real opportunity to make a massive impact and create lasting change.  So.... when do I go to Sweden?  My regular trips over there to see the artist formerly known as my straight single friend haven't happened, and I'm loathed to pick up my life and that which I am creating here to move over there and be alone there.  Not yet, at least.  I will go when I do my Masters, if not before.  I'll re-evaluate in 12 months time.
As for my heart? I guess all I can do is just take my time, try not to do anything rash or unhealthy, and have fun with my friends.  Whatever will be will be I suppose...... It would just be nice to wake up in my lover's arms, to feel his warmth and heartbeat under my ear, and to feel loved, not feel unloveable.