Pondered pontifications

There are things we know we want. We get them, and they are even better than we could have imagined. 

There are things we consider wanting, then dismiss, and don't consider again. 

There are things we didn't want, and get, and you can't help but wonder how you could have convinced yourself you never wanted it. 

Then there are the things you know you don't want. You have always known you didn't want, and those around you accept your choice. But a  tiny part of you can't help but wonder how it would feel to have that which you had always known you didn't want. Except.... You know that to try it, and to fuck it up, would be even more of a spectacular mistake than spending time wondering. 

When planning for the year, department heads must take into account unforeseeable events and hits from way out in the blue-left field. When considering your personal life, it is unwise to plan too much as life tends to throw major things in the way. It makes sense to have a rough idea, an outline plan, rather than wasting time. But how much do you put your heart on your sleeve trying to achieve what you want? I'm not the type to lie back and wait for what I want to fall out the sky. But I'm not going to throw my soul into the blender. I know what I want and I will achieve it, obtain it, and be fucking fabulous while I do. But...... what if I fail?  Or I get betrayed again?

Cum all, cum none - but Merry Christmas everyone

Merry Christmas to all.  Or happy holidays, joyous festive frolics, and enjoy a few days off for the non-religious / non-Christians.  With the influx of alcohol and food comes the influx of relatives and wrapping paper.  But with all these additions, where does one take the opportunity to enjoy a little self-administered stress relief?  It's tough enough to find any peace when the house is rammed full of people demanding food, dancing around the cat scratch pole and wearing the dodgiest of god-awful aprons, so trying to find an uninterrupted 5 mins with roger to alleviate the craving for your honey is nigh impossible.  And surely the idea of any kind of sexual arousal is somewhat wrong when surrounded by your nearest and dearest?
Anyway, I suppose the answer is to store it up for when they depart - and then to wank yourself silly with all the fantasies permeating your every waking moment. That makes up for the absence of him in your arms in the morning.  Or getting you supplies when you wake up with the dreaded Boxing Day hangover....

A New Year and a new start beckon

So whilst this post isn't realy related to dating, it does relate to my life and all that comes within that. It is just over 8 days until the New Year begins.  I don’t want a particularly difficult or painful year.  I’m hoping for fun, friends, foreign adventures, health and success.  Love would be nice too, but I have plans to fulfil and I want to see them through.  If I could have a love that inspires me and encourages me to achieve then great.  But I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship.  Instead of frittering my time thinking but not actually getting anywhere with my dreams, I have made a list of 101 things I’d like to accomplish / achieve in 2013.  So in no particular order:

1. Dance – at least weekly.

2.  Write and publish 1 article a week for 6 months

3.  Publish 2 blog posts a week for 6 months

4. Move into my own apartment.

5. Decorate my apartment in a style that is totally me, wholly reflective of my taste, and free of negative outside influence.

6.  Buy the perfect pair of cowboy boots.

7.  Get my first tattoo.

8.  Lose 7 kilos (from my current weight)

9.  Go skinny dipping

10.  Go to the ballet.

11. Trace my lineage back further and in more detail.

12.  Have a perfect London day – coffee, drink at a speakeasy, gordon’s underground wine bar, vintage shopping (furniture and clothes)

13.  Try pottery

14.   Emigrate from England.

15.  Improve my oral sex skills.

16.  Learn to eat with chopsticks.

17.  Spend a day with my brother doing what he wants, paid for by me.

18.  Nail Russian grammar

19.  Make out with an incredible person

20.  Visit a museum or gallery a fortnight for 6 months.

21.  Try BubbleTea - http://www.weekendnotes.com/bubble-tea-in-london/

22.  Climb Mount Etna.

23.  Visit Omi once a month.

24.  Go horseriding in a park

25.  Learn Swedish

26.  Have voluntary acupuncture.

27.  Finish my novel.

28.  Qualify as a masseuse.

29.  Take an Italian cooking class.

30.  Watch all 3 Lord of the Rings films.

31.  Try 10 new positions from the Karma Sutra

32.  Perfect cardamom and vanilla custard muffins.

33.  Visit a country I have never been to before.

34.  Throw out twenty things and do not replace them.

35.  Get involved with Pushkin House

36.  Visit my family in Germany.

37.  Drink 2 litres of water a day for 3 months.

38.  Take a burlesque class.

39.  Be able to better define my aesthetic, in both fashion and interior design

40.  Complete Equality and Diversity course.

41.  Visit a city I've never been before.

42.  Go to Yoga in the park once a fortnight for 6 months

43.  Buy my first (bra-less!) dress from Vivienne of Holloway

44.  Re: #43, go bra-less in public

45.  Discover 10 great restaurants.

46.  Teach mum to use Skype.

47.  Buy the perfect biker boots.

48.  Be naked in a Swedish sauna

49.  Read 20 new books

50.  Attend a show at London Fashion Week

51.  Make perfect Kladkaka

52.  See 24 so-called classic films

53.  Learn Arabic calligraphy

54.  Have a G-Spot orgasm

55.  Find a beauty and skincare regimen that works for me.

56.  Re: #56, stick to it every day for 3 months

57.  Make a blanket

58.  Learn to throw a punch

59.  Tone up my thighs

60.  Go camping.

61.  Try an out-of-comfort-zone exercise class

62.  Трй анал секс 

63.  Go to a Proms performance

64.  Find and buy the perfect red Mary Janes

65.  Cheerleader at Brighton Marathon for Mac.

66.  Go scuba diving.

67.  Buy a bicycle

68.  Re: #67, ride bicycle once a week (at least)

69.  Get a flat(ter) stomach

70.  Take a fashion drawing class

71.  Find the perfect heels for Iain’s wedding.

72.  Knit something funky 

73.  Do something nice for the emergency services.

74.  Volunteer for a refugee charity.

75.  Watch a show at the Globe.

76.  Shop at Oxfam bookshop (near British Museum) once a month.

77.  Go ice skating

78.  Apply to write for another magazine

79.  Make a beautiful dress from scratch.

80.  Visit Highgate Cemetery

81.  Go to Waterstones Piccadilly once a month.

82.  Walk up Parliament Hill

83.  Take a surfing lesson.

84.  Find London’s best library

85.  Re: #84, visit the best library once a month

86.  Establish an editorial calendar for writing and blogging

87.  Go to the Royal Observatory in Greenwich.

88.  Find the perfect dress for my brother’s wedding

89.  Promote my cake blog

90.  Visit all 14 TimeOut London’s quirky museums and libraries

91.  Join a singing group.

92.  Re: #91, perform with singing group in public.

93.  Do 1 random London activity a month.

94.  Eat 5 portions of fruit and veg a day for 3 months.

95.  Take an A-Level

96.  Join a sports team and attend weekly for 3 months.

97.  Make love under the stars.

98.  Spend a day taking photos.

99.  Attend foreign culture festivals in London

100.  Make / restore a piece of furniture

101. Put £5 into savings for every goal accomplished.

Steve Tyler ... the philosopher?

"I'm Jonesin' on love
Yeah I got the DT's
You say that we will yeah
But there ain't no guarantees
I'm major in love
But in all minor keys
'Cause falling in love is so hard on the knees" (Tyler/Perry 1997)

"Just know that you're not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Let's just go back, back, back, back back to the start.
Anything that's worth having, is, sure enough, worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question, when it gets tough gotta fight some more
We've gotta fight, fight, fight, fight
Fight for this love..... If it's worth having it's worth fighting for.
Now everyday ain't gonn' be no picnic, love ain't a walk in the park
All you can do is make the best of it now, can't be afraid of the dark" (Cole 2009)

Tis the season to be .... contemplating life, the universe and the bigger picture.  Today I have had so many things to think about.  And I am somewhat grateful that I have not been subjected to excessive Xmas music.  The downside of this is...... Cheryl Cole.  Or Cheryl.  Or the artist formerly known as the chavvy Geordie with a conviction for drunken violence.  She who highlighted that you gotta fight (fight) fight (fight) fight for this love. 

Nothing in life is easy.  At least, nothing in life worth achieiving is.   But there comes a point when you want to throw your hands up in the air and ask when it gets a little easier. I have paid my dues.  I have earned my pleasure and I fucking well want to have that which I have dragged myself by my bleeding fingernails, out of the seventh level of hell, back to the world to achieve. 
I am no idiot.  I will not be played, manipulated or controlled.  I may not be able to assert myself at work, as my bitch boss believes me to be a stupid, emotionally weak, pathetic Barbie.  But I will damn well stand up and be counted.  I am a Phoenix, and I am bloody amazing.  No-one will make me doubt myself or my mind again.  I will continue to write, to articulate and express myself, and I will call bullshit when I see it.  I am empathic, tolerant and compassionate, but I am also no mug. 
Except..... falling in love is hard on the knees.  And the self-esteem.  
I had no idea just how apt the tagline 'passion pressure paranoia and pleasure' was going to be when I dreamt it up.  I liked it because all the adjectives began with P, the same as my moniker.  My new nickname, Pixie, also begins with P. But I really didn't envisage so much of the pressure and the paranoia.  I really hate all the second-guessing and bollocks associated with romance - I'm adult enough to know that Disney is a load of tosh, but seriously - when did Aerosmith lyrics become an appropriate philosophy for romance?  Granted, the idea of screwing the sister is a little severe but the point is transferrable and applicable - love is scary.  

The worst thing is when you start to mistrust.  How can it be that you trust someone as a friend, but the minute they become more than that, you find yourself permanently pondering the pressures involved?  You question their motives, your own motives, the depth of their feelings for you, the depth of your feelings for them.  It's as though EVERYTHING these days has to have a decision. 
I only want one person.  Armadillo.  I know how I feel for him and how he feels for me.  Whether we can 'make it' is a different issue, but I know he loves me in his own way. And right now that is enough.  If it doesn't work out then I am happy to go back to being single.  Not only will I know what I have lost, but I also am not one of those girls who NEEDS a man in their life.  I am well aware that I have got myself to this point in spite of the men in my life, and I seriously resent being the girl who gets annoyed when she doesn't hear from him.  A guy gets more comfortable the longer he is in a relationship, and makes less effort.  Far from being a good thing, for most women that is interpreted as a sign that he doesn't care anymore.  Major miscommunications between the sexes, indeed.  Hence the reason why the basis for all great relationships is a real and enduring friendship.  Because if you can't talk as friends, how the hell can you hope to build a life together?

If a guy cannot recognise what he has in front of him, recognise her power and passion and ability to overcome all obstacles, he is unworthy of that very woman.  Marilyn Monroe said 'if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'.  Oh so true.  But what happens when the guy CAN handle you at your worst, and DOES recognise all that you are, and is still scared to hurt you?  When his fear of hurting you is what is hurting you as it forces him to swing like a pendulum?  The fact that you know him means you can accept that he is telling you the truth and you know that he is being honest, which is way preferable to a liar or him not confiding in you.  Yet this emotional intimacy can actually have a detrimental effect and exacerbate paranoia - you think, deep down, that it is because you are not what he imagined you to be, that he thinks you are damaged goods, that he sees all the flaws in you that you see in yourself.  And when both of you have low self-esteem due to bad break-ups and abuse in the past, you are both afraid that the sheen will fall off and the other will see the decay and rot underneath. 
This can be a good thing, for it means you bolster one another and emphasise how much you care.  Infinitely preferable to demeaning and putting one another down.  Who wants to be THAT couple?! But to the girl who was told how unattractive she was by her bastard ex, the new guy not wanting to have too much sex - as great as that may sound - can be interpreted as 'I actually think you look like shite and you are a crap fuck'.  Whereas her desire to lose herself in having amazing sex with him can appear - to him - to be a refusal to be emotionally intimate and using him purely for sexual pleasure and escapism.  Which doesn't make him feel good. 

So what is the answer to this dance known as the 'what the fuck tango'? There is only one way through - keep going, together, until the music stops.  Or until you cannot dance any more.  But if you choose the latter, you HAVE to be certain, because once you get off the dancefloor you can't get back on it.  All we have in life is ourselves, and the people we choose to surround ourselves with - those who make us smile, who appreciate us despite our flaws, who 'get' us and our moods.  Those who, when they wrap their arms around you, can make the world melt away, ease the pain and take you somewhere else.  The people who make you forget about, or at least, temporarily diminish your problems and give you that spark, that glimmer, of hope.  If you find that with someone, with several someones (friends, lovers or otherwise), then do not let that go.  Because at the end of the day, that is what we are all seeking.  Acceptance, support and unconditional understanding.  And if it makes you be a little less selfish, a little more human and a little kinder, then it is worth fighting for. 

On a night like this.....

I want to be curled up in the arms of my honey, schnuggling and warm and adored.  The weather is miserable and I can't get no pleasure in it.  I hate being stuck indoors, hate going to and from work in the dark.  14 hour days and nothing to really show for it, except utter exhaustion and mind-numbing boredom.  Stress-inducing skintness every month and the inability to get enough money together to move closer to the office.  Revulsion at the idea of having to drop £1500 on a crappy room in a crappy house in Crapham and knowing that I just want to get the hell out of Dodge.  

I went to our team Christmas lunch today.  It was fun, except all I could keep thinking was, I am not this person.  the performing monkey with the smile plastered on her face, laughing and telling jokes and ensuring everyone else felt good and enjoyed themselves.  Discovering that I will not see my bitch boss for 5 weeks should not make me feel relief.  And all the while a part of me is wondering….  How is it possible to be surrounded by laughter and jokes, with a smile on your face and a chuckle on your lips, and feel so alone?  How can you feel so rejected by the people who should love you the most, by those who actually take so much from you, that all you want to do is run away? Unfortunately this is not a rare feeling.    Christmas is supposed to be magical and full of joy.  So many want to be safe and warm and happy with their relatives. Yet the reality is that it is often a sad occasion for so many. It no longer represents the celebration of Jesus birth.  It has come to mean poverty, excessive spending and days trapped watching shit television with alcoholics and emotionally immature idiots. Incidents of domestic abuse increase over the festive period.  Issues which have been simmering for months boil over due to the catalysts of insufficient personal space and excessive alcohol. 

I can relate to this.  My festive season is now somewhat over.  I have had the winter wonderland holiday.  I have had a great time with an amazing friend.  But the part where I spend 5 days indoors with the fam……Ugh. 
My trip to Sweden was incredible.  It showed me so much, reaffirmed so much, and let me be exactly who I am.  The downside is that to be reminded what life can be, what you can feel, be in your element and then have it shattered by the simple act of boarding a plane is so painful. Most people experience post-holiday blues. Mine is not. It is a serious funk, a feeling of a weight in the stomach, heavy and dragging. In Sweden I was me.  I was able to be myself. I wasn't repressed, pretending or acting.  The conversations had were right up my street and I couldn’t help but be enamoured of it all.  In England, there are certain…. Expectations.  My boss.  My father.  I am seen a certain way and as much as I try to be myself, whenever I bring up a deeper topic than food weather or office shagging, I am shut down and told I am too deep.   

The most annoying thing about yesterday, above and beyond being back in England, was receiving a Christmas card from my ex’s parents.  I haven’t spoken to them in well over a year, and I didn’t send them birthday cards.  They didn’t send me one.  The last time I saw their son was a very long time ago, and that was only to collect some post.  I don’t understand why they felt the need to send me a card, when I am in no way involved in their lives anymore.  It just reminded me of the shit he put me through, the dramas and pain, and I really didn’t need that.  Especially not in front of the armadillo.  Somehow my friend seeing me all funked up is one thing; the new guy seeing it is another.  I guess it really is entrenched in my head that there should be barriers and secrets from the person you are involved with.  Certain things have to be hidden in order to remain safe.  So being so totally open and honest is really rather, well, tough! But it is something I do want to be able to do. 
I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to (metaphorically) jump in front of a train. There is nothing for me here and I am absolutely to blame. I let him destroy me, I let him crush all I held dear. I LET him. Ergo, my fault.
This is why I like 31^st October to 23^rd December.  And then the next few weeks tend to suck.  But rather than end on a negative, I have made an executive decision.  I will spend next Christmas in a non-Christian country.  I could do with a few weeks on the beach in Vietnam…

Dum de dum de dum dum dum .......

I’m not too sure about the title of this blog anymore.  When your ‘love life’ is in a state of flux and emotions running wilder than a daddy lion on a rollercoaster, it seems somewhat foolish to have a title which denotes an action which is in fact not occurring.  Hence, the use of the verb to date is in fact something of a misnomer.   I am involved.  I am emotionally attached.  Whether or not this liaison stands the obstacles life so thoughtfully and considerately throws up is another matter.  If I were him I would run away screaming.  But hey… I’m not him.  

Perhaps I should amend the title of the blog to something a little deeper.  Despite how I may look, I am a very deep person.  I am constantly thinking, considering, analysing and pondering.  The big questions are the ones most frequently on my mind.  Who killed Kennedy?  Why is it tea and cake in Britain but coffee and cake across the rest of Europe?  Can men and women ever be truly just friends?  Do UKBA staff ever smile? Will the surgery stop all this pain I’m in? Is it possible for a romantic relationship to exist where both parties love one another equally and without reservation, hesitation or fear?  Why is the square root of Pi the square root of Pi?  Do all men play mind games even unintentionally?  Can I realistically afford a boob reduction this year?  If something is not planned and calculated, can you still be annoyed about it even when there was no harm intended? What colour should I dye my hair next?  If you have lots of visions, ideas, fantasies and plans and they are not fulfilled, is it okay to be disappointed or should you just accept that people cannot zip about and not everything is perfect?  Will the scars from said boob job be worth the reduction in pain and embarrassment?  If I look better in a bikini will I feel better in myself? 

Writing about celibacy was easy.  It was a constant, a state of mind as well as a state of being.  I wasn’t breaking that (although I did once when I was very drunk and very stressed) and so the title didn’t need changing.  Despite the slip, I was celibate.  But I am not dating.  I am bored of that – it holds no appeal for me and I just don’t like it.  It is an expensive waste of time, and I came to realise that my feelings for the armadillo had grown to the point where we were no longer friends.  We were – are – something more.  Which in and of itself is really rather bloody scary! When you realise that you have compartmentalised and desensitised for so much of your adult life, in order to survive the shitty and horrific circumstances you have found yourself in, to come back to feeling is rather intense.  To feel so intensely for someone is even more daunting.  

When one of your readers becomes the subject of your blog, how do you continue to write without them taking it personally, or potentially misinterpreting your words?  How do you express yourself truly, say what you need to say, without it seeming harsh or fearful?  And when said subject of your affections cares so much for you that he would back off romantically to protect you as a friend, how do you show that in actual fact, the romantic involvement, the heightened emotional intimacy, and the increased support for one another grounds you and yet simultaneously gives you wings?  When you feel incredible knowing that someone so wonderful feels so strongly for you, and is just as comfortable taking it slowly to quell their own doubts as much as yours.  Someone you can feel beautiful in front of when wearing no make up, jeans, big thick socks and his rugby jumper.  Someone you can safely fall asleep when resting your head in his lap whilst watching a film.  Someone you reach for, and who reaches for you, first thing in the morning, bleary eyed, Godzilla breath and sleep-sweat-smelly.  Someone who you crave like a drug; who physical entanglement with is more than a sexual release; it is a connector, a bond.  

The point of my musings tonight is trust.  When you cannot trust those who should love you unconditionally, when you cannot trust yourself to have good judgement, when you cannot trust anyone implicitly, how do you move past that to a place where you are confident that you can protect yourself?  Why is it that the person you trust implicitly becomes ‘a guy’ in your head when things get pelvic, and doubts creep in?  Doubts are normal.  Doubts are healthy.  Doubts are our brain’s way of telling us to calm down, not get lost to lust, not do something reckless like jack in your job and run away to a desert island and marry a local for a visa.  But if he has doubts too, and you are aware of them, can you let yourself fall fully if you need to potentially pull yourself back from heartache and the pain of him bailing on you?