On a night like this.....

I want to be curled up in the arms of my honey, schnuggling and warm and adored.  The weather is miserable and I can't get no pleasure in it.  I hate being stuck indoors, hate going to and from work in the dark.  14 hour days and nothing to really show for it, except utter exhaustion and mind-numbing boredom.  Stress-inducing skintness every month and the inability to get enough money together to move closer to the office.  Revulsion at the idea of having to drop £1500 on a crappy room in a crappy house in Crapham and knowing that I just want to get the hell out of Dodge.  

I went to our team Christmas lunch today.  It was fun, except all I could keep thinking was, I am not this person.  the performing monkey with the smile plastered on her face, laughing and telling jokes and ensuring everyone else felt good and enjoyed themselves.  Discovering that I will not see my bitch boss for 5 weeks should not make me feel relief.  And all the while a part of me is wondering….  How is it possible to be surrounded by laughter and jokes, with a smile on your face and a chuckle on your lips, and feel so alone?  How can you feel so rejected by the people who should love you the most, by those who actually take so much from you, that all you want to do is run away? Unfortunately this is not a rare feeling.    Christmas is supposed to be magical and full of joy.  So many want to be safe and warm and happy with their relatives. Yet the reality is that it is often a sad occasion for so many. It no longer represents the celebration of Jesus birth.  It has come to mean poverty, excessive spending and days trapped watching shit television with alcoholics and emotionally immature idiots. Incidents of domestic abuse increase over the festive period.  Issues which have been simmering for months boil over due to the catalysts of insufficient personal space and excessive alcohol. 

I can relate to this.  My festive season is now somewhat over.  I have had the winter wonderland holiday.  I have had a great time with an amazing friend.  But the part where I spend 5 days indoors with the fam……Ugh. 
My trip to Sweden was incredible.  It showed me so much, reaffirmed so much, and let me be exactly who I am.  The downside is that to be reminded what life can be, what you can feel, be in your element and then have it shattered by the simple act of boarding a plane is so painful. Most people experience post-holiday blues. Mine is not. It is a serious funk, a feeling of a weight in the stomach, heavy and dragging. In Sweden I was me.  I was able to be myself. I wasn't repressed, pretending or acting.  The conversations had were right up my street and I couldn’t help but be enamoured of it all.  In England, there are certain…. Expectations.  My boss.  My father.  I am seen a certain way and as much as I try to be myself, whenever I bring up a deeper topic than food weather or office shagging, I am shut down and told I am too deep.   

The most annoying thing about yesterday, above and beyond being back in England, was receiving a Christmas card from my ex’s parents.  I haven’t spoken to them in well over a year, and I didn’t send them birthday cards.  They didn’t send me one.  The last time I saw their son was a very long time ago, and that was only to collect some post.  I don’t understand why they felt the need to send me a card, when I am in no way involved in their lives anymore.  It just reminded me of the shit he put me through, the dramas and pain, and I really didn’t need that.  Especially not in front of the armadillo.  Somehow my friend seeing me all funked up is one thing; the new guy seeing it is another.  I guess it really is entrenched in my head that there should be barriers and secrets from the person you are involved with.  Certain things have to be hidden in order to remain safe.  So being so totally open and honest is really rather, well, tough! But it is something I do want to be able to do. 
I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to (metaphorically) jump in front of a train. There is nothing for me here and I am absolutely to blame. I let him destroy me, I let him crush all I held dear. I LET him. Ergo, my fault.
This is why I like 31^st October to 23^rd December.  And then the next few weeks tend to suck.  But rather than end on a negative, I have made an executive decision.  I will spend next Christmas in a non-Christian country.  I could do with a few weeks on the beach in Vietnam…