Falling....

It has been nearly 8 months since my erroneous intoxicated mistake with my colleague.  But I feel as though it never really happened.  He no longer sits near me, and I no longer have to either look at him, or roll my eyes at the irritating sound of his voice. I have been tested for STDs, and have no lingering issues from one of the most misjudged idiotic things I have done in recent years.  And I have forgiven myself.  I was really drunk, didn't know he was engaged, and I was in a bad place.  The blame for it lies solely with him - and I have absolved myself of any blame or shame. 

I have essentially wiped the slate clean, become revirginised. I am looking forward to making love with the armadillo, knowing our first time won't be diminished by the pain of losing it. It is possibly the worlds most talked about first time, but then shouldn't that be the basis of any relationship, communication?  In as much as I am an adult and know what I want, the armadillo makes me feel like a teenager.  I can't stop singing Hummingbird Heartbeat and Teenage Dream.  Which after 2 weeks is really rather old and repetitive now.... But it is incredible to feel so intensely and powerfully into someone again. 

Talking to him yesterday I realised that I haven't made love with anyone in over 8 years. That was quite a blow to my stomach, not least because I have been in 2 relationships in that time. It scares me when I think how much power dickhead (formerly known as the love of my life but now I'm wide awake I see him and all he did for what it was) had over me. It's pretty scary to admit you were in an unhealthy relationship, let alone an emotionally abusive one, but part of my strength comes from being able to say, I am a survivor. And now I know categorically that no man will ever control me again. I will date who I want, love who I want and fuck whosoever I want. It is my choice. I deserve to be treated like a princess, and to be able to treat my man as a prince. 

I have my eyes wide open, and I am more certain of myself than I have ever been. I cannot be broken. I am going into this knowing his flaws, issues and the physical distance between us. And I choose to be with him. My armadillo. I want none other than him. And I cannot envisage that ever changing.