Men. That area which I would love to nail down, and I suspect I have, and I foresee problems come August time.
I haven’t heard from the Armadillo since my drunken ‘I miss you’ private FB message. And he’s been prolific on FB about how great life is. Perhaps true, perhaps exaggeration, but I feel an utter mug for not only going there with him but also believing him that we’d stay friends. I get that he has a lot on, but friendship is supposed to be a 2-way thing and it’s not all about him doing the poor me while I just absorb it like a sponge. I hate that I can see exactly where his ex was coming from, and I’m glad it’s over but at the same time it set me back financially and I’m a lot more wary re men now. But I suppose I got my Xmas wish.... I’m trying to be positive about it. I feel passively annoyed, but mostly sadness and disappointment. I really thought he was the one. But I guess that’s what you get for jumping into a black hole....
I haven’t seen McShy since Friday. As it's now Wednesday, I'm getting a tad frustrated. We spoke on the phone for a bit this weekend and text yesterday, but there’s something holding me back. I don’t know if it’s the age difference or the fact he has kids (or the lunatic ex aka zookeeper), but I feel as though he can reach me, but I can’t get him. He’s honest and open and emotionally insightful, as well as expressive, but I’m really scared that if I don’t sleep with him I’ll lose him. Which is utterly crazy as I’ve talked to him about wanting to wait, and he’s really cool with it, and isn’t putting any pressure on me. And keeps reiterating that he understands there’s no rush..... I suppose I’m feeling a bit blindsided by it, as it sort of came out of nowhere – we always got on, but then it’s changed, and he’s admitted being shocked by it changing between us, but that he wants to enjoy spending lots of time together. And he offered to drive to mine on Saturday evening to see me (106 miles one-way) .....and I’ve said I’d like to have him over for dinner once I’ve moved. Except..... I don’t want him to assume that it will happen as soon as we have a room to ourselves. I need to relax, trust and take time. But the truth is, I don’t trust myself to wait, as I crave him so badly (sorry if that sounds a bit vulgar) and I know that it is going to be explosive between us when it does happen. I think it’s the Armadillo that is holding me back. Who I am now, is that I don’t want to just sleep with anyone – I want it to mean something, but I’m scared of being emotionally and physically intimate with someone and getting hurt again. Previous experience tells me that it’s the guys I can’t see a future with, that I end up in long-term relationships with. So maybe not being able to see past a hedonistic sexsesh with McShy might mean he is the guy I should be with. I guess I just don’t know if I’m manifesting bad things onto him because of my past (which is REALLY unfair on him) or if I get a vibe from him. As I have always liked and trusted him, and he’s always looked out for me, never been a skeez. And clearly I do trust him as the ideas that popped into my brain about him (wholly unsolicited, in fact I couldn’t push them away!) involve a lot of trust. Except I’m way too embarrassed to tell him what they are! I don’t want to scare him off, especially while I’m unsure. Really trying not to self-sabotage here........ And I love that when we kiss, time melts away and it just feels really good. And our emails are slightly 50 shades of grey-esque – in the business tone but underlying message. Which is corny but nice.....
Yesterday I was missing him like a motha******. As in, I felt like I might grow claws from the tips of my fingers. We were texting and saying how much we wanted to see each other. I hate that we cant talk, or even kiss, every day. It was great when we could have our illicit rendezvous and meet for 5 minutes then go back to what we were doing. But at the same time, it’s really good he’s gone as we likely would have got caught, and I don’t believe in dating guys I work with. But it did add a little bit of excitement to it all...... I really liked that when we went out, it was even better – there’s always the danger that it could just be an office attraction, so it’s great that that’s not the case.
And ...................then I got an email from James Pond – my first since he went to Africa. Now my libido has gone into hibernation and I keep wishing he’d walk into the room. I so badly wish we could have had one last kiss and hug before he left. It was sooooooooooo good to hear from him, and hear what he has been up to. I really miss him.....he is sweet, kind, funny, gentle, unassuming..... with a lethal alpha coiled inside. I can imagine us being physical, and it is very different to my imagination on McShy – far more emotional and connect-y (that’s my new word today). Given that I’m trying to take it slowly with McShy, I can envisage us not being fully together by August – and then James Pond coming home.
I know I don’t have to choose yet, I should just enjoy and be young single and have fun, but I do want a relationship now, I left my ex 20 months ago and now I do want more. I wouldn’t be putting myself through all this dating bollocks if I just wanted fun! I hate feeling so conflicted, I don’t want to let anyone down, but I feel almost like I’m cheating on myself, if that makes sense? I’m just not sure whether the whole retro-romance of James Pond being away is making me miss him even more, or if its that he is closer to my age. But then at least I know McShy won’t push me for kids....... I’m so conflicted right now. It was so great to hear from James Pond, and how much I’m missing him surely shows there is something there.... Part of me thinks no 5.5 months is too long to wait (not that I’m counting) and sod it I’ll please myself, but then I don’t want to force myself into something with McShy when I’m wary. But then what if he comes home and I end up falling in love with him when McShy and I are together?! I can’t do that to him! What if what if what if..... McShy is a good man and I don’t want to hurt him, but the age difference feels huge. It’s as though McShy being gone and my missing him at work is making me more cautious, yet surely I should be more cautious given James Pond being in Africa?! I’m also acutely aware that he is not dissimilar to my childhood sweetheart, so I find myself wondering if I’m trying to replicate the past. But I’m pretty confident that I’m not......
I’ve tried to test myself and imagine both of them walking in together – and I really cannot choose. I wouldn’t want McShy to walk in as then EVERYONE would know, and I do not want that. But then I think about James Pond walking in and I start to think about him clad only in a bowtie with a rose between his teeth and hands placed strategically......
As much as I have time to decide, to choose, get to know each of them, and let the chips fall where they may, I guess I just wish I knew which road to take. I get that we never can know the future and all we can do is based on what we know now, but seriously – I can’t switch my feelings off!!!!
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