Scared of my own stupidity

In vino (and hangover) veritas

I have had an utterly hellacious week. I've been tipsy/drunk twice, which really is uncharacteristic for me (nowadays).  And all I want is to laugh. Instead I'm analysing and thinking... Not what I needed. 

This one comes with a bit of a disclaimer. I'm rather annoyed this morning. I've been stewing over this in my broken sleep and im peeved. I will no longer schlep out to the middle of tricking nowhere to see a guy. Of he wants to see me, he can meet me halfway. And I think that is an entirely apt metaphor for this piece. 

If you're single at a certain age, rather than arguing against the stereotype, maybe there is something in it. Surely by your midlate thirties you should be adult enough to sustain healthy relationships? 

In no way am I blanketing everyone here. This particular surmisation follows what was supposed to be a relaxing evening - and turned into a right royal fuck up. 

Porn and police - a dangerous combination.  seeing everyone as a potential suspect, and getting sexual release only through porn and masturbation, fucks you up and leads to a great disconnect between your heart, humanity and cock. Especially in muscly uniformed men. Which are exactly what I like. Damnit... 

Writing this I realise I am being typically Phoenix - waxing lyrical and getting philosophical without actually giving any detail. So here are some bare bones to sketch over: 

A guy I dated a while ago got in touch, full of remorse and promises of redemption (sound familiar?) we chatted for a while and when I was really upset about some work crap (oh and my biopsy results which I'm STILL waiting for) he was lovely, really supported. McSexy Gorgeous from the week before had not been in touch in days, so I agreed to an impromptu takeaway at his (having had to postpone seeing my friend due to grievance meetings at work. Ugh.) I thought it would be a laugh, chance to hang out and relax after a god-awful week. At this point, your honour, I'd like to enter into evidence the fact that when communication has been near-constant for days, then just stops, you take a hint. Anyway, turns out said guy is completely emotionally detached, still in love with his ex who left 3 years ago and unable to form emotional connections. I drank, opened up to his questions, which led to me drinking more to try to feel better then left, missing the last train home and having to crash at my brothers. In addition to this I text McSexy Gorgeous in my drunken state, killing any chance of ever seeing him again and giving him an awful impression of me. Which culminated in him rejecting my call and feeling like an utter Plonker. But as I have asserted before, it needs to be considered from both perspectives - and a guy who refuses to try to understand needs to pull his head out of his arse. I am not willing to be played, manipulated or controlled, nor hang on the phone waiting for a call. 

Oh, fiddlesticks. I'm baffled. God knows what I am doing wrong. I suspect that I am far too blunt and honest especially about myself and my experiences, and I'm not British enough - or 'girly' enough (in some respects). I'm just annoyed as I recently decided to open up to it - and have had it thrown in my face twice in a week. Trust barriers going right back up. From now on I'll be honest, but evasive. If I even date at all. I just don't think it worth it - why should I bother? I'm clearly not a great catch nor anyones cup of tea.  

Its not necessarily about putting it out there on a plate - but when you're both damaged and wary, how can you ever get past that? 

Rather than see me as damaged goods, how about actually considering how bloody strong and epic I am? I have picked myself up from hell and regrouped, strengthened and I have the balls to try to be who I would like to be. And I may be short and female, but do not mistake that as a sign of weakness. Therein lies some of my greatness. 

I have the right to state my experiences. These are part of who I am. I have the right to not be considered a victim, to not be pitied and judged. Yes I have trust issues, but I'm sure as shit not the only one. And I'm trying to be honest by telling guys about my writing - opening up. 

Until I am in a relationship, i am free to date whomsoever I wish. I will not have sex with them. This is my choice; I choose to wait. I want the emotional connection and intimacy. I have the right to go to someone's house and expect to not be expected to have sex. I have the right to be respected and be safe.  And I am proud that I want the emotional and intellectual connection. Coming back to the world after trauma is tough and scary, and I want something real. That is what I am looking for. Either accept me as I am, or fuck off. 

And if you've read this far, you'll no doubt have ascertained I'm a tad grumpy this morning. Without going into naming names or being petty, I think I bloody well have the right to be. 

So boys - clearly not yet men as they play games - despite my recent attempt at empathy, try a bit yourself. Take your own heads out of your arses, consider how tough some people find trust, and hold a mirror up to your own behavioural patterns before judging others. You maybe a cop but you're not jury or executioner. 

And I will go back to not drinking red wine - as it is really never a good idea...