No matter what, today was always going to suck. Whether the Armadillo and I were together, or just friends, spending an intense period of time with someone then BAM being apart was always going to hurt. I know we will see each other again. I know he is a wonderful and incredible person who grounds me and calms me when I am chatting bullshit. But I can't help but feel that my self-absorbedness in the last week has been unfair on him. I spent the last 18 months suppressing my emotions, forcing myself not to feel, and he put an end to that. Whenever I was down, he put his magnificent arms around me and made me open up, share, feel better by making me laugh. Part of me would not blame him if he did not want to see me again. Yet my writing that, is in and of itself, bullshit - because I DO know he wants to. We all have little gremlins in our head, the nasty voice that tells us all the things we don't like about ourselves, makes us doubt our strength and capability. Mine may be no more weaker nor stronger than anyone else's - but I never want my evil gremlin to affect anyone else. I really am trying to kill my gremlin off for good - because it serves no purpose and debilitates me. It has been 18 months - so I say now, enough. Or, in the words of Gollum, "leave us - and never come back".
The house feels empty without the Armadillo, and his fabulously warm and huge presence. My gentle giant, whose voice fills the room and whose grin shines brighter than the stars. Now, I feel like a part of me is missing. The better part. I understand that now is not the right time for us, and that our friendship is precious. He is sacred to me, and all I want is to see him smile. Love means putting someone else first, and while I have not been doing that post-surgery, I want to do that for him. I'm so cross with myself for ever doubting his feelings, because to do so implies I think he is a liar. Which I know in my bones he is not. Now he has gone away again, I know just how much he cares for me, and how hard I have been on him. I know I have not run him off, but still.... I miss him. Profoundly. But he has such wonderfully broad shoulders, is so selfless and suportive, sometimes I would forget just how much he has going on and that he has feelings too. Yet I don't want him to ever feel walked over by me. I just want him to know...... He is in my cells, in my blood, and I could really be happy spending time making him happy. Giving him all he wants and deserves.
I believe everything is meant to happen for a reason. He was meant to be so intensely involved in my life at this point, to show me the way and to make me realise that the tenacious pixie is still in there, still craves more, is hungry for success and has the power to achieve amazing things. He has taken my hand and pulled me the last little bit of the way out of the black tunnel. I stand scraping the grit off my knees and feel the sun beating down on my face, warming me and igniting all my senses. He humbles and awes me, makes me want to be a better person, a person worthy of his love. I don't mean that in any kind of negative or controlling way, only that I want to make him smile. He has the most incredible smile I have ever seen. We just..... we fit together. So that is why, in full rationality and adult intelligence, hope that one day we can be together. But whether that happens or not, I will be there for him. And once I live in London and am a little bit more active in terms of my life, not spending 5 hours a day commuting, I will be able to leave the past behind me and be a free butterfly. I just hope that once that happens, I am not too late to show him how amazing a girlfriend I can be, and want to be, for him.
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