Love is thinking about the other person. Putting them first. Ergo, when they are exhausted and have had an emotionally draining time, keeping your feelings to yourself and not messaging them to say hey, guess you've just about landed, hope you are safe. Remember less than 2 months ago, when it was me getting off that plane, and you were in the arrival hall with your arms open and the best welcome I have ever had, for the world's most overdue reunion? Remember us making out all the way into the city at the back of the bus like teenagers? Remember how sure we both were that this was it, our happy ending, together? Wanting to tell you that hey, the house feels that little bit colder and little bit darker now you're gone. That it wasn't supposed to be this way - it was supposed to be US. That I have no idea how to get over the most incredible person I have ever known - and I don't want to have to. The idea of touching, being touched by, another makes me cold. That as much as I am trying to, I cannot turn off my feelings toward you - and I'm kicking myself for not giving it more time. That in a way, it's good that you are so far away geographically so I can't run into you. That I keep it all hidden behind my well-schooled face, but when a certain song comes on in my bedroom I convulse into tears - because I am missing you so badly. That I can't sleep without you next to me any more. I miss your snores, I miss your morning breath, I miss waking to your arms around me. I miss your feet warming mine. I miss laughing, smiling, kissing in the shower together. Our intimacy, our bond, my soulmate.
And I can't tell you that I am so angry with myself for letting myself fall, when the person who would know exactly what to do and say, is the person I can't be with. I don't want to sound like a stalker or a crazy person - but I loved you in one way for a long time, and now I love you in another way - more deeply and surely than I have loved since I was 17. And I know you love(d) me too. We were victims of circumstance, and I was too selfish. 'Our' song hurts like a knife to my chest now. Since you told me - more than once - that you saw yourself proposing to me, I know I want nothing more. I want you, all of you, us, all that we can and should be. That in my mind's eye, I see you getting on the bus into the city, pulling that face, exhaling and leaning back into your seat. Jumping on the tram and walking along your street. Carrying your chair. Getting into your flat and seeing your housemate. And I am pretty sure I know what you are feeling. But I am so scared that when you walk into your room, get into your bed, you will in fact be glad I am not there. It is selfish of me to hope that the candle reminds you of me, or my stuff in your wardrobe. I don't want you to hurt, I only want you to smile. I just hope you miss me too.
But I know you need me to only be your friend, you need me not making any demands on you, so I wont tell you any of this. I will get over it - I won't lose my friend too. If you were here beside me, instead of in that foreign city, I would - I would sit, listen to your woes, change the subject when it gets too much for you, tell you what stupid things I have done today, pull silly faces, and bake for you. I would be only what you need. Writing this almost feels like desperate begging - but then, I am not saying any of this to you. I am writing it here to get it out of my system and hopefully get over it a little bit. And if confessing to being heartbroken is good enough for Snow Patrol......
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